Setting aside the niggling fact that the Skyhawk is part of a weapons system designed to blow people into small bits, or at least make them greatly regret whichever aspect of US foreign policy they'd disagreed with, the McDonnell Douglas A4K Skyhawk is a very cool machine.

Despite our sneerings at their pilots' Top Gun-inspired habit of wearing flying overalls to the bar, and others too vulgar to mention here, even transport pilots like me would leap at the chance to take a ride in one. (Yes, there's a two seat version, the "T Bird". Worth bearing in mind should (1) the government decide to dispose of them, (2) you want one to fly in, and (3) you don't know how.)

Compared to most military jets, the Skyhawk is small and simple. Ed Heinemann, its legendary designer, urged his team to "simplicate and add lightness." They did, and the result was a carrier-based attack jet (the A in A4 stands for attack – it's not officially a fighter) smaller than any before or since.

I only flew in a Skyhawk twice, but both flights were memorable. One for the time I spent with my nose buried in a sick bag (2 v 2 ACM can be nauseating as well as fun, children!), the other for the demonstration of the little jet's roll rate. Legend has it that the Skyhawk's ailerons are so effective, and its wings so short, that if you push the stick hard over the jet will complete a full 360 degree roll before the stick hits the stop. What the legend doesn't add, and what is equally true, is that if you're not prepared for it you will whack the side of your head on the canopy in the process. Those helmets aren't just for looking cool in!

You can tell, then, that I'm a little bit of a Skyhawk fan. So I was very interested earlier in the week to see that the New Zealand Government, after trying, so far unsuccessfully, to sell them to a US defence contractor, is considering disposing of them locally.

I think there are 20 or so available, so allowing for the one that will surely, if there is a God, end up parked on the Goat Farm lawn, and 9 for museums and aero clubs, that leaves 10 homeless Skyhawks. In order to save our Government devoting attention to this problem that would be better spent fixing Christchurch or lowering my taxes, I've solved it for them, with my 10 Uses for an Unwanted Skyhawk:

1. Preemptive whale euthanising. The Skyhawk was designed to attack large, slow-moving targets at sea. Sound like any pesky cetaceans we know? Rather than DOC waste time refloating beached whales, why not establish a Whale Exclusion Zone of a kilometre or so off our coast? Any whale in that close is clearly about to get itself in trouble, so why not short circuit the whole process, 20mm cannon style.

2. Minor coalition partner management. Every A4 Skyhawk is equipped with a rather excellent ejection seat (the T-Birds have two!). These seats are "Zero Zero" rated, which is to say they will blast you out of the cockpit and float you safely to earth, even if your Skyhawk is at zero speed and zero altitude. Imagine how much more smoothly coalition governments would run if minor parties' seats in the Debating Chamber were replaced with refurbished Skyhawk ejection seats, modified to give the Prime Minister (or the Speaker; I'd need to check this) the ability to "command eject" troublesome members.

3. Snow clearance. Sadly, the engine fitted to the Skyhawk is not equipped with an afterburner, so it won't actually shoot flame. It will, however, shoot a hell of a lot of very hot air at very high speed. Weld a Skyhawk or two to the back of an ordinary towtruck (or, better still, one of those crappy LAV IIIs the Army doesn't seem to want to go to war in) and say goodbye to blocked roads in Winter! This use could also extend to clearing landslides, depending on how many Maverick air-to-ground missiles the Air Force still has in the shed. (There is a rumour though that they fired them all off in the last week before retirement in an orgy of air-to-groundness. Take that, ground!)

4. Top Gun 2. While the F14 Tomcat (also now retired, so there could be some floating around on the surplus market) was the star of the show, the A4 Skyhawk also featured prominently in the 1980s movie / recruitment film. Peter Jackson is well known for his love of aeroplanes, Tom Cruise seems to have plenty of spare time these days and I've always thought Trelise Cooper looks a bit like Kelly McGillis.

5. World's Best Chair-o-Plane. This ones gets capital letters because of its awesomeness. Remember the Chair-o-Plane at the A&P show? Imagine how much cooler it would be with real planes! Half a dozen Skyhawks, a big crane or something, a guy in a white coat to take the money (always white – why?!) and you're in business.

6. Solve Auckland's transportation crisis. Light rail? Soft! Light Attack Jet? Now you're talking. I would need to run the numbers, but I'm confident that the inconvenience of building 6000' runways at one kilometre intervals around the central city would be more than compensated by the 1000kmh cruising speed a Skyhawk-based rapid transit system would offer. And tram is such a sissy word, hmm?

7. Increase Air New Zealand's competitive advantage. Dropping prices on the trans-Tasman route will only get you so far, and not even the Airpoints Fairy herself can make squeezing yourself into an Air New Zealand Airbus 320 as much fun as taking a business-class shower on the way to Sydney in an Emirates A380. Add air to air weaponry to the mix, though, and Emirates might begin to wish their aeroplanes weren't the world's biggest. Rob Fyfe was, of course, an RNZAF engineering officer at one point, so bolting a couple of AIM9 Sidewinder heat-seeking air-to-air missiles to one of his jets wouldn't be too challenging. Fox 2! (As I think the saying went.)

8. Put the jet into jet boating. Am I the only one who was a bit bummed when I discovered these so-called "jet boats" are just stainless steel dinghies with an old V8 engine shoved in the back? Far cooler, if possibly a little more dangerous, to bolt one or two Skyhawk engines on and let rip. Working out how to prevent hats, gloves, children etc being ingested by the engine would obviously be a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.

9. End the debate around Police chases once and for all. You're driving your Subaru Shitprezza and see flashing blue lights in your rear view mirror. Do you pull over and cop a fine for replacing your muffler with a length of downpipe, or floor it in the hope they'll hold back rather than end up in the paper after you wrap yourself around a lamp-post? Now re-imagine the same scene when rather than a Holden Commodore on your tail, you see the sinister form of a fully armed A4 Skyhawk (wings clipped, probably, for easier parking). Are you feeling lucky, punk? Well are you?

10. Give one to me to park at the Goat Farm. I know I'd already accounted for this one, but I think it bears restating. Jeremy Clarkson has a Lightning at his place, and I think a Squawk would look just lovely at mine. @johnkeypm, you know where I am.